Slavic parents lose control over their Americanized children
Maria calls the school to check on her children almost daily or goes there herself in tears. Her three teenage children smoke and drink even in front of their parents. They stay out until morning and often don’t return home for several days. Her oldest dropped out of high school last year; another son did the same a few months ago. Her daughter, not yet 11, ran away from home.
Maria is a religious refugee and doesn’t know who to turn to with her grief. Her story is fairly common among the 100,000-strong population of evangelical Christians from the former Soviet Union living in the Portland area. While their numbers have increased, so has the conflict between second-generation Slavic teenagers and their parents in private and public life.
Some parents don’t want to assimilate or learn English. Living in the Soviet Union, they isolated themselves in order to survive and preserve their faith, as they were fined, imprisoned, or put in psychiatric hospitals.
But in Oregon, old-world survival skills are destroying families. Community representatives, schools, and police testify that families in which parents wall themselves off from society are losing connection with their English-speaking, American-raised teenagers.
Children resist parental authority, live double lives, drop out of school, and become mired in drugs, gangs, and prostitution. And parents, who in America gained freedom from religious persecution, sadly watch as that freedom tempts their children to reject their way of life.
Despite this, many Slavic families are successful, with well-adjusted teenagers who excel in school and in the community—those who did not remain isolated.
Rehabilitation services are underdeveloped for Slavic families, because in this community it is shameful to ask for help. Maria, for example, was categorically against any mention of her real name in this article for fear of being rejected and stigmatized in the community.
“Many of the older generation were in Soviet prisons because of their faith, and now their children are in American prisons as bandits,” says David Klassen, pastor of the “House of God” church in Gresham. “Naturally, this breaks the parents’ hearts.”
Problems of one family
Maria is a housewife who came to Portland with her husband in 2002, six years ago, from a small Ukrainian town on the border with Romania. They sought a bright future for their children, now 12, 14, 17, and 19, but found only bleak prospects. They blame the schools and American morals for all of this.
“The school gives children too much freedom,” says Maria, “they have too many choices and they take advantage of that.”
In Ukraine, she says, she never had problems with her children. Now they refuse to go to church and don’t eat the Ukrainian food she cooks. They told her they’d call the police if their mother punished them.
“I no longer have any hope that anything will fix the situation,” she says. “In this society, you have to do what your children dictate.”
Mother and father speak almost no English. Maria—a rosy-cheeked plump woman in a patterned headscarf—spends her day reading the Bible, cleaning, and cooking. Soft-spoken Victor works long hours in construction. Neither has a driver’s license or a car.
They are unable to control their children because they know that their main method of discipline—physical punishment, like switches, spanking, or a belt—cannot be used in the U.S.
“Our hands are tied,” Maria laments, clenching her fists on the table in front of her. “I want the school to punish our children. I wish we could punish our children.”
Twice her oldest son promised to change: once before the whole congregation of the Romanian Pentecostal church “Philadelphia” in southeast Portland, which the family attends, and another time in a Ukrainian church. He is looking for work, but at the same time continues drinking and disturbing public order, Maria says. Recently he was caught with beer on the MAX light rail. His brothers copy his behavior.
Maria is also disappointed in the church pastors. She says that other parents have similar problems with their children, but the church is unable to openly help them.
“Parents turn to the pastor for help, but what can he do? He has accumulated a pile of prayer request notes for troubled children,” she says, showing the size with her fingers.
A few years ago, a Russian-speaking social worker visited them to help with Maria’s sons, she says, but then stopped. She hopes that similar services might be offered again somewhere. For now, Maria says she prays daily “for a miracle, that they would return to church and become obedient.”
Family roles have changed
“Teenagers and parents often disagree, but immigration has widened the generation gap,” says Russian-speaking therapist Olga Parker. The roles between immigrant parents like Maria and their children have reversed, Parker says, because young people soak up language and culture like a sponge, while their parents need a long time to learn.
“Russian children feel they are no longer Russian,” says Parker, who works at Lutheran Social Services in northwest Portland. “Children start to oppose everything their parents do or say. They tell their parents, ‘You don’t really understand the American way of life.’”
The conflict is perhaps deeper than in other immigrant communities because these evangelical Christian parents are highly traditional and conservative, rejecting American culture, despite the fact that most have taken American citizenship.
“Parents consider involvement in American life to be desertion,” states Robert Rathbun, pastor of Faith Church. “It’s like destroying their Russian or Ukrainian culture and religion.”
Mostly, their families are large – some have 10 children, so it’s hard for parents to control them. Moreover, the parenting approaches that worked back in their homeland don’t work here. According to Robert, children manipulate parents by threatening to call Child Protective Services if they are spanked, Parker says.
“Parents don’t trust children,” says Vadim Riskin, a Russian-speaking public relations representative for Portland public schools. “They are afraid to talk to them, afraid they won’t say the right thing. Some parents are even afraid to tell their children to do homework, raise their voice, or send them to their room, fearing their children will be taken away.”
Many Slavic parents don’t know about the school system and don’t value formal education, Riskin says. Having been deprived of material prosperity in their homeland, for Slavic society, “making it” financially, including owning a home and a car, means a lot.
Parents expect boys to earn quick money in construction or car repairs, and they push girls to finish school quickly to look after little ones and get married. Others prefer homeschooling because they don’t like the values taught in school.
When a teenager gets into trouble, Slavic parents usually don’t turn to the police or social services. Solving one’s own problems is considered honorable, while police or other official intervention in family life is a disgrace in the eyes of the whole community.
“If a child does something wrong, they believe the blame automatically falls on them,” says John Laws, a former Portland police officer. “They cover up for their children because it could jeopardize their reputation in the community.”
Living a double life
“Some Slavic teenagers rebel quietly,” Parker says. “They seem to attend church, obeying a strict code of rules. Some Slavic churches require women to wear long dresses, cover their heads, forbid makeup and jewelry. Also forbidden are television, internet, watching movies, dancing, or dating.
But as soon as parents turn away, the children instantly change. Girls from the most conservative families swap skirts for jeans and put on makeup in school restrooms. Before returning home, they restore their original appearance. They hold makeup parties and have secret boyfriends. Boys also throw parties, telling their parents they’re going to a youth meeting.
“They are forced to play this game,” Parker states, “they can’t be themselves in front of their parents, so they live a double life. Parents simply have no idea what’s going on.”
Youth and school leaders suggest that at least half to two-thirds of Slavic youth living in the city lead a double life. Sometimes it leads to problems at school or legal trouble.
Hanging out at Starbucks
A favorite meeting spot is the sleek American Starbucks. On Plain Boulevard in southeast Vancouver, in one of these cafes, a group of made-up girls in tight, low-cut blouses sip coffee with cream and chatter in a mix of Russian, Ukrainian, and English with impeccably dressed guys. BMWs and other expensive European cars are parked outside.
Most Slavic teens hang out at cafes to socialize, but there are those involved in criminal life, says Vancouver police liaison Ilya Botvinnik. There are no specific crime statistics, but anecdotally, Slavic crime is similar to that in any other immigrant community.
After several complaints about Russian-speaking guys from Starbucks patrons, a Vancouver police unit was sent to guard the café. Police also patrolled another location on Halsey Street in Portland, another popular spot among Russian-speaking youth.
Patrons of a café on Mill Street in Vancouver told police about weapons deals from car trunks in the parking lot. Botvinnik personally witnessed drug sales; Slavic kids smoke marijuana, and girls engage in prostitution. There is also evidence of a network of Russian-speaking drug dealers in the city, centered on Starbucks and targeting Slavic youth, though no arrests have been made.”
Games of Russian mafia are very popular among kids. Some have joined a dozen loosely organized gangs, says Laws.
“While parents go to church, the youth organize their own criminal structures around the churches: they steal cars and auto parts,” the retired officer says.
Social service and police workers notice another growing problem – drug use and addiction, especially heroin.
Finally, school counselors and police state that prostitution is growing among Slavic girls, middle and high school students aged 12 to 18. “The case of prostitution among Russian-speaking youth was in the Multnomah County Sheriff’s office, human trafficking division,” says police officer Kate Bickford. It was referred to the FBI, which does not comment on these cases.”
Help is small but growing
Thirteen young people will be baptized in the Washougal River, east of Vancouver, at the Word of Grace Church gathering.
Despite an overwhelming need for help, few culturally specialized resources are available to Slavic youth and families. Because they are white, Russian-speaking refugees do not appear to be a minority or in need of grant-funded services. And though they are one of the largest ethnic groups in the state, little data has been collected about them.
“Pastors, as gatekeepers of the community, do not allow social workers into their churches,” Parker says, “especially to distribute brochures and give lectures on physical violence or child-rearing, because they think I might say something against family values. They are accustomed to solving family problems strictly within the church.”
But many of them do not openly address youth problems. Several pastors we spoke with believe they have no problems. Some youth pastors speak broken English. Some of them are untrained and uneducated and offer trite solutions to problems, Riskin and Parker state.
“Many Russian churches here look like they did in Russia 20 years ago. They seem stuck in time,” says Pastor Ratbun of the “Faith” Church. “They have been guided by their traditions for so long that they have come to regard them as theological truth rather than a cultural norm, and they are unwilling to change them.”
Because religion is so important for this group, Parker and Ratbun say, the solution must be church-based. We need to cooperate with pastors to help the community, Parker says.
Connection with College
The Slavic community has had some success, which gives its advocates hope. In recent years, Riskin and others note that more Russian-speaking teenagers are graduating from high school and entering college — teenagers like Vitaly Cherchenko, a Reynolds High School medalist from last year and now a dental student at Portland State University.
The Russian Youth Leadership Conference promotes student development, helping them obtain higher education; it is growing and attracting hundreds of Slavic teenagers. Also, in southeast Portland, the doors of a new correspondence school, “Academy of the Alphabet,” have opened, becoming a magnet for Russian-speaking students who have dropped out of school or are homeschooled.
Some communities are already beginning to understand that they could lose their youth and ultimately their congregations if they do not change. Many see salvation and their future in a bilingual or English-speaking environment. Others have relaxed their dress code. At the “Shulamite” Church in Fairview, on the same pew one can see young girls in short skirts and high heels and grandmothers bowed in prayer.
Pastors are also changing, says Alexander Tkachenko from the nonprofit Human Solutions, which works with Russian speakers. His pastor at Shulamite Church, Nikolai Zakharovich Mikhalchuk, now regularly preaches that parents should pay more attention to their children. Mikhalchuk urges the youth leaders of Shulamite Church to actively work with troubled youth.
“We must compromise,” Tkachenko says, “perhaps we will lose our language, but we will keep the faith.”
In the end, pastors, psychologists, and teachers agreed on one thing — the quality of the relationships with parents is of great importance for young people.
“Success depends on the flexibility of the family,” Parker says, “whether a given family is open to education and change.”
Russian-speaking parents must understand that mutual understanding with children is much more important than strictness and demandingness.
“The Bible does not teach us to resort to violence. It is very important to explain, advise, communicate… Otherwise, children will lie and still do their own things behind their parents’ backs,” advises Pavel Yuzko, a former employee of the Multnomah County Health Department.
“Good relations with a child are always better than just the law,” Yuzko believes.
Alex Kirichenko works as an electronics engineer, Laima Ektova as a hairdresser, both are residents of Vancouver. They spent Saturday evening on the dance floor of the “Santorini” club in Beaverton. Most Slavic churches forbid drinking and dancing, but such rules contribute to the growing rebellion of Americanized teenagers against their parents and the church. Kirichenko and Ektova (both originally from Lipetsk) say they have good relationships with their parents, even though they no longer attend church. In the now-closed Santorini club, there were many Russian-speaking young women who often performed belly dancing. A special camera shone through clothing, exposing people.
OregonianLive
Gosia Wozniacka
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