The Salvation of a Christian Who Became Possessed by Computer Games
To be honest, I find it very difficult to recall this every time, and I would much rather talk about something else. But I sense that God is prompting me to do this. It is unpleasant for me to speak of it, but woe to me if I keep silent.
I came to faith eleven and a half years ago. Many of the things I will share will sound fantastic; perhaps some will not believe them. But in many churches I was told, “We believe everything you say!” I will not try to convince you—it is your right to judge, to believe or not.
At fourteen, I fell in with bad company. In that post-Soviet era, when all communist foundations had crumbled and no one offered us anything, we spent our time in unsavory association. I was an underage alcoholic, and my life could have ended badly. One day I felt deeply sorry for my sixteen-year-old life; I no longer wanted to live—everything seemed meaningless. I lifted my face to the heavens and said aloud with tears, “God, if You exist, give me at least a straw to grasp, so I can pull myself out of this swamp!” A few days later I met some evangelical Christians who gave me a Bible. There I found answers to all my questions. Eleven and a half years have passed since then. In the first years after I believed, two very close friends of mine also came to faith; they are now serving the Lord as pastors.
God pulled us out of the swamp. Our parents were all unbelievers, alcoholics, and most likely, if God had not saved us, we would have become alcoholics too. The lives of those in our group who remained without God turned out very badly. One guy got himself coded against alcoholism at twenty; another was stabbed to death at twenty; yet another was drowned in a quarry with a water-heating radiator tied to him. One died from drugs, another is in prison—only the three of us have had a good outcome. That is because we believed. Glory to God! We felt that enormous difference and understood the place from which God had rescued us. A great thirst to serve the Lord arose in us because we had grasped His immense mercy. Already at sixteen, we went through all the hospitals in our city with sermons over the course of a few months. While still schoolboys, we spent all our free time signing Gideon New Testaments so that later, when preaching in the hospitals, we could give out Gospels. And the most amazing thing is that God accompanied our preaching with miracles and signs. I cannot say that we had deep knowledge of God’s Word, but God’s faith lived in us.
Let me give you the most striking example. In our city’s tuberculosis hospital, we preached in the therapeutic department—the most severe ward. In that post-Soviet time in Russia, medications were very difficult to come by. Perhaps only the TB hospitals were well supplied, because the patients there were seriously ill. After the sermon we would always pray for the sick. Once a paralyzed woman was wheeled out on a gurney, and after a prayer for healing she jumped up, began to dance, wave her hands, and praise God. All the doctors came and looked, and no one could say anything, because words were out of place. Three days later she was discharged. For several months we visited that woman, sensing that God was prompting us to do so.
During the first few years my friends became pastors, and I too carried out several ministries in the church. When I had been a believer for seven years, I was chosen as youth pastor and choir director in a small church in a village not far from our city. God was raising me up as a servant, and I knew the Lord not just by hearsay. Here the pleasant things I have been sharing come to an end.
What I am about to tell, I would rather not relate. I would like to simply forget it and never recall it—it is hard—but I will speak because I sense what a disaster is looming over young people. For older people much of this will be hard to understand, but I am afraid that even they may somehow come into contact with this trouble.
I had been a believer for ten years and was actively involved in charity work. Even before coming to faith I had begun studying computer technology and even graduated from the institute with honors as a computer engineer. I knew computer technology very well, but I did not immediately grasp the enormous danger a computer poses if used wrongly. The age we live in is called the information age, and it is rightly said that today information controls everything. It is no accident that our state has established a Ministry of Propaganda—because they sense that information governs people’s thinking. But the calamity I fell into was connected to computer games. Year after year I spent more and more time playing them. Gradually, terrible things began to happen in my life. I told myself these were just games, nothing serious. But the games became less and less harmless. Today, analyzing the technology and the computer game industry, I have come to the conclusion that a large portion of computer games are occult in nature, and many of them directly draw players into the occult world, into occult practice, and even into the dedication of souls to Satan. Many of these games are full of violence, blood, and murder. I conclude that the devil is powerfully using the weakness for games to ensnare hundreds, thousands, millions of young people. According to my analysis of the situation in our country, more than 90% of unbelieving young people are hooked on computer games, and they regularly go online for that reason. Banner advertising on the internet “helps” people find things they were not looking for or could easily do without.
I will tell one unpleasant incident. I was playing a game where the character was a boy sorcerer. You had to pass various levels using magic and sorcery. I had been a believer for ten years and understood that this was dangerous, yet I kept telling myself it was just a game, a leisure activity—not real life, just games. Today this kind of theme is very popular. Occultism is drawing in more and more souls with renewed power.
So, in that very game I kept progressing further and further; this virtual computer world captivated me more and more. For many of you the virtual world, thank God, is unfamiliar. But it is so captivating that a young person, a teenager or a child, having tried this possibility once, immediately becomes addicted. A drug is dangerous not so much because of physical dependence, but because of the irreversible processes it causes in the brain, in the subconscious. From my experience working in drug rehabilitation centers, I see that physical dependence on drugs passes within two weeks, psychological dependence within six months, but psychological dependence may never go away. Therefore, God’s strength is needed to daily fight the desire to return to this “pleasure.” What makes a drug dangerous? The fact that it causes irreversible processes and changes in the brain.
Computer games are directed at the subconscious. The stronger the game, the deeper it penetrates a person’s subconscious, programming him. This is not made up; I am a computer engineer, I know what I’m talking about.
I became so engrossed in that very game that I lost control of myself. I wanted to see further and further the fairy-tale worlds drawn by the virtual computer world.
I saw many people who once tried the virtual world, and the real world became gray and uninteresting to them. They lost interest in life, the desire to live, became apathetic. They would come alive only when returning to the computer. I saw people who spend days on end in front of monitor screens. I saw some unpleasant scenes when three- or four-year-old children throw tantrums because their parents won’t let them near the computer. They are already addicted. A young mind quickly becomes captivated by this. My pastor friend has a three-year-old daughter. She can do everything with the computer that her grandparents have no clue about. She can turn it on, turn it off, put in any discs, watch things. This is very dangerous. I speak with confidence because I myself fell into this trouble. In that very game, at a certain stage, I met with a dark personality — the devil. And this personality said to my character: “If you want to go further, you must sell your soul to me.” Of course, at that very moment I was horrified, but I told myself: “This is just two voices within me speaking at once.” One voice said: “This is just a game — don’t pay attention, everything is fine, just see what happens next, just look!” And the other voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, said: “Anatoly, one does not joke with such things, one does not play with this, these are not games!” For a long time I hesitated whether to make this decision or not, until one day, by pressing a single button on the computer, I decided the fate of my character, in effect I agreed to sell my soul to Satan. Of course, at that very moment I said to myself: “It’s a game, nothing terrible, nothing happens in the real world: I still serve God, I am one of the active members of my church, a believer for ten years, I have friends, I am successful, and in the Christian world I am a respected person.” I told myself that, but at that very moment I felt that in my heart once again that emptiness had formed which was there before my conversion to God. I had already forgotten how life can have an abyss and emptiness in the soul. God left me, and the Holy Spirit was quenched in me.
Today many argue whether God can leave, whether one can lose salvation? I will read at the end of my testimony a few passages from the Holy Scriptures, and I think they will shock many of you, at least I hope so.
So, at that very moment I felt, I realized that God had left me. I began to calm myself down and say: “Nothing terrible, Anatoly, everything is fine: the sun is still shining, no one has died on you, your friends haven’t abandoned you, in church you are still a respected person, everything is fine — you’ll get up in the morning, everything will be good.” Day after day I told myself that. Of course, I threw out that game disc, but… nothing changed in the spiritual realm. I fell into self-deception to such an extent that it seemed to me that nothing had changed, but it was a lie of Satan.
And I will tell another sad moment. Maybe something like this is happening inside some of you (God forbid!). I was sitting at one of the meetings, perhaps a week after those events, when I sold my soul to the devil in that game. It was the 10-year anniversary of our church, where many people were present: I sang well, people came up and thanked me. But when I sat down and looked at the preacher (I still remember these terrible thoughts), I said within myself: “How boring — I have interesting games at home, when I return, it will be interesting!” I was lulled to sleep, struck by sin. If in your life a sermon ever seems boring to you, it means you have lost the fear of God. I did many things and did not fear God’s retribution.
Another example. Not long ago, within the last year, there was a tragic case. A group of teenagers were playing a computer game; they had already approached the end of the game, and at the final stage, to finish the game, they had to commit suicide. When they stepped away from the monitor screens, they could no longer distinguish the virtual world from the real one. The most terrible thing: irreversible changes and catastrophic processes occur in the subconscious. With each time it becomes more difficult for a person to distinguish where the game is and where the real world is. Gradually it begins to seem to a person that our real world is also a big game, someone controls it, someone plays it. And partly this is true. I know that the devil plays with many souls, skillfully manipulating their consciousness. This group of teenagers threw themselves from a multi-story building and committed suicide, and it all started with a computer game. There is a certain organization that creates games for captivating and dedicating souls to Satan.
When I returned home from the meeting that day, I bought the final game of my life, its title reading: “THE FALEN.” In Russian, this was innocently translated as “The Outcasts.” I thought, “Well, there are all kinds of outcasts!” and didn’t give the title much weight. We are believers, and this world rejects us. And if the world does not reject you, re‑examine your faith—most likely something is wrong with it. The real translation of that game’s title is “The Fallen.”
It all begins harmlessly enough, like a “space journey”—a very beautiful and captivating journey, an adventure—a new world; I was simply a space traveler, exploring various games, it was so interesting. But time after time, as I progressed, I came to understand the true meaning of this game, which was this: once there existed a higher race of spiritual beings in the Universe, which at a certain point fell, and at present is imprisoned in another world, in darkness. And the main idea of the game was to release this higher race. There was a debate, a question: are they good or evil? The central thought ran like this: does everyone really think this is an evil race? But this is a race of very high spiritual beings. That is precisely the main idea that exists in Satanism today. Do you know why people worship Satan? Because they are deluded, believing that only Satan can give blessings and pleasures on earth. As for me, seeking satisfaction on earth, having experienced much, I found only one single occupation that truly satisfies me deeply—the opportunity to serve God. To feel that I am a servant of God and a slave of the Lord Jesus Christ on earth, and that God uses me as a co‑worker—that is the greatest bliss and satisfaction for me. Everything else is temporary and perishable.
So, in that very game, I had reached a certain point and ought to have stopped, but the infernal machine had been wound up so powerfully that I could do nothing; my mind was enslaved. I wanted to go on and see again and again what would come next. At one moment, the characters in this game were sitting around three magical pyramids which my character had collected. Suddenly, one of the heroes of the game stood up and began to utter incantations in an unknown language. It was already past midnight, and I was sitting alone in front of that monitor. And as he began to pronounce that incantation, I felt a chill, I began to sink into terror, my body started to shake. I understood that I could still stop. I did not understand what he was pronouncing, but I so wanted to see what would happen after that moment. And the trap snapped shut behind me. At one instant, while he was uttering the incantations, I saw how in the game the gates of the abyss opened, and fallen demons began to come forth. And they did not just come out—they entered every character present. One demon entered my character. In that very instant, I not only understood but I knew that this game had ceased to be merely a game for me. Some time before that, for a week or two, my temple had remained empty, swept, and put in order. There are different views on who these people are whose house is swept clean, put in order, and left empty. Some say these are people who simply received deliverance, believers, but they did not receive the Lord deeply. Yes, that is so, but… I would like to ask a question. Who can perform the work in us, who can sweep and clean our house? Can you do it yourselves? It is the work of the Lord. I understand that it speaks of those people in whose souls the Lord has done His work—swept and cleaned.
But at a certain point, for some reason, they ended up empty. That was the case with me. In that very moment, I felt everything inside me freeze, as if liquid nitrogen had been poured into me—from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, my whole body seemed paralyzed. With a tremendous effort of will, I forced myself to move and turn off the computer. What happened next seems fantastic. Even now, as I recall those days, those agonizing weeks, I have the sensation that it did not happen to me, that it is very unreal—yet I know 100% that it did happen to me, because I experienced it firsthand. You have every right to believe or not to believe. I will try to sketch for you what followed, though I cannot find the words. I have already told this story twenty times in the last two or three weeks, but I cannot find or choose precise words. In general, I think the spiritual world is very difficult to express or describe in our human language, which is perhaps why the Revelation of John contains so many types that we find hard to understand.
So, after that very moment, over the course of several weeks, I could no longer eat, sleep, and all other natural desires and needs were destroyed. Absolutely! The food I tried to take in caused immense torment to my body; it came back out and, moreover, caused suffering to my soul. Whenever I tried to fall asleep from exhaustion, such nightmares visited me that I would spring up in terror, drenched in cold sweat, and scream. This went on for several weeks. The most horrible thing was that my soul was tormented every single moment. There was absolutely no presence of God in my life. While still living on earth, I was as if in hell. Nothing around me, understand, had changed: my position in the church, in society, no one deprived me of my ministry, my friends did not turn away from me—but some terrible changes had taken place within me. God was gone from my life. I felt as if God had removed His hand, and I began to hear every sound in my life—hundreds of thousands of voices that simply shouted at me: “Now you are ours, and you will go with us to hell!”
Of course, for all ten years prior, as a Christian, I thought—though I never said it, never admitted it, but I felt it in my soul—that demons were not my problem. That the early Christians wrote about them just to scare us a little. I thought it wasn’t about me; I’m a Christian, all is well—I’m riding high on a white horse. In that instant, I didn’t just understand; I came to know with every fiber of my being that the spiritual world is absolutely real, and perhaps even more real than this material world, which will one day cease to exist. I came to know that demons are not some fabrication Christians dreamed up to frighten you and me—they are reality. And the reason you don’t sense this today is because God, under the shadow of His wings, shields us from those legions that are thirsting to tear us to pieces. When God removed His hedge, I realized that I had been playing church, playing at faith. The most terrible thing, moreover, during those three weeks was that I cried out to heaven, I wailed, I begged with tears, but heaven was shut. No answer at all—an absolutely dead, blank wall.
I screamed as I had never screamed in my life. I fasted more than I had in all ten years of Christian living. But nothing came; God did not answer me. After three weeks, I was on the verge of physical death—completely exhausted, my nervous system shattered, my body drained. My heart ached severely, unable to withstand the constant stress. Imagine: eating practically nothing for three weeks, hardly sleeping at all. By the way, I visited every minister in our region; they all prayed for me, but… nothing, no result. I understand that blessing does not come from ministers but from the Lord. If He does not permit blessings to come to me, there is no point in deceiving myself that a minister will come, pray, and the blessing will arrive. If your relationship with God lacks order and peace, blessing will not come to you through anyone. The most terrifying part was that throughout those three weeks I longed to repent, but I could not. Yes, I wept, but those were tears of pain and horrifying anguish of soul. My soul was tormented so deeply that at times I lost consciousness and sanity. Several times I was on the brink of calling an ambulance and being taken to a psychiatric clinic. Of course, I am normal now and quite well-fed; it is hard to believe that in the first three weeks I lost twelve kilograms. After that, I didn’t weigh myself. Friends who asked me were horrified: “What’s happened to you?” I felt completely dried up, unable to squeeze out a single tear of repentance. In those very days I came to know that repentance is not so much our decision as it is the mercy of God, a gift from God. I wanted to find repentance, but I could not. Today I tell you that it is a great Christian delusion—if somewhere in the hidden corners of your home you allow sinful things to enter your life and you think you can casually come to a meeting and repent. Perhaps you will shed a tear, put on a mask of sorrow and regret, weep and say, “Brothers and sisters, I am guilty”—but if God does not produce His change in your heart, that is not repentance. Derek Prince, one of God’s men, says that repentance is a 180‑degree turn. Only God can do that kind of work. And I also understand that repentance is a good gift. For us, it is a good gift that comes down from the Father in heaven.
During those weeks, I tried to receive that gift, but God would not give it to me. That was the most agonizing thing; I felt such hopelessness that if I were to die right then, I would truly go to hell. The only thing that kept me from suicide, to escape such mental torment and pain, was the thought: “Could it really be like this for eternity in hell?” That thought horrified me even more, and yet it stopped me.
My best friend came to me. He said, “Anatoly, I see the terrible condition you are in.” He was a man of few words. I heard these words: “You know, the Bible also says that God still loves you.” He prayed briefly and left. And he also said to me, “We can do nothing to make God love us more.” And then: “But we also can do nothing to make God love us less. I believe that until the very last second, God loves the sinner and desires his salvation.”
At that very moment I fell to my knees and said, “God, I don’t know if You are listening to me—probably You are not—but perhaps You can hear me. I believe; help my unbelief. But my brother says that You still love me. If that is so, then show me even a little of Your compassion and mercy.” In that instant, I felt a ray of light descend into my soul. I began to weep, and I wept for several hours—those were tears of repentance. It went on like this for several days. I remember that in those first two days, from early morning, my one desire was to seek God and to weep again. And what was most wonderful about it all, astonishingly, was that I enjoyed the opportunity to weep before the face of God. No one saw me there; I was alone, and I did not want anyone to see me. I sometimes notice that some people do this for show. God preserve you from such hypocrisy! God does not need that. Perhaps He even finds it repulsive. But I wept and delighted in the fact that God not only knows my sins but lifts their weight from my soul. In that moment, I was ready to do anything for God.
But some negative manifestations still remained in my life. Though I felt that God was granting me repentance, I sensed that the demons began screaming at me with renewed force: “No, don’t believe it. Such things are not forgiven. You sold your soul; everything now—you are ours.” My faith, like a tiny sprout, was just appearing—so defenseless and weak. And the demons immediately tried to choke it. I felt I was on the verge of physical death; I was very weak and said I would go to my church and, perhaps, do the last good deed of my life for the sake of the Kingdom of God. I took the car and begged God to give me strength to somehow cover 60 km. I endured another night. In the morning, I went to the house of prayer. It was very difficult for me to speak about this in front of everyone, because after me a wedding was supposed to begin that day. Imagine talking about such things before a wedding—people need to rejoice. But I thought this was my last opportunity to do something for the Kingdom of God.
And so I stood before everyone. Hundreds of souls looked at me. I said: “Brothers and sisters, you have known me for ten years. I didn’t just sit somewhere in the back; I served you on this stage alongside the brothers. You saw me as a minister in a large youth church, but know that perhaps I stand before you today for the last time. Perhaps my life will end in a psychiatric hospital, and my ending could be very pitiful.” I no longer pictured any other way out. I said: “But when this happens to me, I want you to know why it happened. I hope this will sober someone up and stop them. I think this is the last thing I can do in the name of Jesus Christ.” As I told my story, I wept; I was not ashamed. In fact, I didn’t care what people thought of me. That absolutely did not concern me. I discovered that I still had a chance to do something for God. And after my confession, many were touched, and I felt within myself the strength to live again.
When I returned home, a very important spiritual experience happened to me. At home, I said to God: “God, I’m starting to believe that You have forgiven me, but it is so difficult for me, and my faith is still so weak. I have suffered complete shipwreck in faith; there is nothing in my life worthy of blessing. But I ask You, if You love me, confirm Your love to me.”
That very morning I woke up with tears of joy. Never in my life before had I awakened in such a mood. From that moment on, my life began to be restored, and by God’s mercy I stand before you today. It is written: «Смотрите, братья, чтобы не было ни в ком из вас сердца лукавого» (Heb. 3:12). To whom does Holy Scripture address this? To brothers, to believers. Does that mean believers can have an evil heart? Yes. “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.” Scripture says that an evil heart can lead you to apostasy from God.
In those days I understood for the first time in my life what God’s love and His undeserved mercy are. I could not produce a single fact in favor of my being good and deserving that God should love and forgive me. I could not say anything, but I knew to the depth of my soul that the Lord had forgiven me—and it was undeserved. It is impossible to pay any money for this; God simply has mercy.
At that moment, such gratitude was born in my heart that it will not allow me to live carelessly for the rest of my life. Glory to Jesus!
Anatoly
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